Knowing
by DanceWithMeTonight
Summary: "There are things i need to tell you, so please read this note" -Jacob.


**Hey guys! On December 3****rd**** one of my best friends, Shelby, had her birthday. As part of her three presents, I promised her I would make her a one shot with her and Jacob. This is based of a kind of play/story thing we do together. If you want a want shot id be happy to do one for you! Enjoy Deer :D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything except Shelby lol**

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**Knowing**

Dear Shelby,

Did you I was there?

Every morning of everyday I was with you. We walked our first's steps together. Started talking at the same time with the same word. Love.

While growing up I always watched you, admired you. You always wanted to break the rules, didn't care what anyone thought of you or what they said. I always wanted to be like you. I never had enough guts to go through with half the things you did.

I started getting my crush on you in 6th grade. You didn't know did you? You didn't notice that I looked at you a little bit longer, hugged you more often. I even stayed to all your music practices even though I had work.

All I wanted was for you to pay attention to me. But you didn't. Not more than usual. I was still just your best friend Jacob. Unfortunately.

Then we started high school and they came into town. Everyone stared at them, they either wanted to be them or be with them. Including you. You liked that stoic guy, the one who seemed almost as empty as you did on the outside. But you know he was like you, hiding his feelings.

You wanted him.

It broke me. Everyday at lunch, when you would take 15 minutes to stare at him, I would leave Quil to look after you. I would cry by your locker. Everyday. Because it hurt so much to see you want someone, who you didn't even know, more than the person who was always there.

Because I was always there.

And then you broke my heart again. Running to me your eyes alight, going to fast I thought you would disappear. When you got to me you told me you had great news. I thought it was something to do with me. Boy was I stupid. And wrong.

While bouncing on your feet, you exclaimed that he had finally asked you out. You were going out on a date that Saturday night. My birthday. I didn't think you remembered. And I didn't want to ruin your happiness. This was the first time in a long time I saw you outwardly happy in front of other people.

So I kept my mouth shut. And I helped you and Sara pick out a dress for you to wear, giving a guy opinion. You tried on dress after dress, even your sister's, but none of them spoke to me.

Until you stepped out for the last time. That beautiful satin purple dress made your hair shine. That smile of yours glittering like never before, hoping I would say it was perfect. It took me a minute to gain all of my breath that was knocked out of me when I saw you. I barely nodded to u, my eyes so wide I felt they were gonna pop out at any second.

But then I heard the honk of his expensive car and it all shattered. Along with my heart. Again. You ran out grinning like a kid on Christmas and I remember Sara laughing at your antics. And then her giving me a tight hug knowing about my internal banter.

You didn't realize that did you? She knew always, but she never told you. Id you're really reading this like I asked you to, you might be really angry at her right now. It could've saved all of this. But don't be, I asked her not to say anything. You were too happy and I couldn't ruin it for you.

I spent the entire time you were out sitting on our tree house, looking at our old photo albums. When things were different. And then you called, your voice giving away your excitement. You told me everything that happened. Every single little detail.

And silent tears fell down my cheeks while my voice grinned through the phone encouraging you to continue. Then you said he kissed you, and a tiny sob escaped. You actually heard it and asked what was wrong. Do you remember what I said?

Don't worry about it. Keep going.

And you did. You just dismissed it. You wouldn't have, before him. It hurt me more than ever before. To hear you ignore a cry of pain from me.

But that wasn't even the end of it.

He left. Left you, all alone and broken in the middle of the woods because he was too much of a bastard to give you the decency of a warm couch to crumble on.

You were stoic for days, months. It would've been years if it wasn't for me. And those bikes. I still don't know why you liked them at all. Something about wanting death to take you whole probably. But I was there anyway. To protect you and be with you.

I got you back on your feet. Me. Jacob Black. I saved your life from being an empty shell forever. You weren't back to normal, I knew you wouldn't be. But you were close enough. You got out of the house, spoke to people during school, began to take more care about your grades and yourself.

Thanks to me.

I was happy. You finally realized you depended on me. Needed me in life. I wasn't just your friend anymore, I was your life line. And I dance in joy.

But then he came back…

One day he appears in this town again, IN YOUR ROOM….and you never planned on telling me. Not at all. I wanted to hurt him, strangle him, take all of his stupid vampire pieces and burn them all.

And then I find out you're back with him and you will not believe the pure RAGE I felt. Just seeing you two cuddling in the hallway, LIKE HE DID NOTHING WRONG! Nothing at all!

You, you of all people, forgiving him just like that. A couple of im sorry's and its all okay again. You're smiling like before and it's because of HIM. And it broke my heart, YOU broke my heart. Piece after piece fell into the deep depths of my stomach because of what you did.

So I left.

I walked out of the school and phased near the woods and I ran. Ran for my life. Ran from you. Ran from my broken heart. Ran from all the pain.

By the end of the day I had no idea where I was. It felt too cold to be Washington and I realized I had crossed the border to Canada. I stayed there while I listened to the weary voices of my peers pleading with me to come home. To figure it out where the heart is.

If there was a heart there anymore.

I ignored them hunting down elk and deer, tried to heal the ache that burned my insides out. But as hard as I tried I couldn't. And then I heard Quil called you a bitch and I flipped. I cussed him out so much his only response was to whimper and phase back.

And with that I took off back down to La Push. I got there shortly after midnight. And when I checked on you, his eyes stared back at me. It took all of my self restraint not to rip his face from his bones right then. But I saw you, sleeping snuggled into his side, you're beautiful face in the most sacred state of calm id ever seen you.

So I left him alone.

I went home and slept. The next day at school, I know I was a jerk. Im so sorry about that. I had to protect myself. And you. If I would've been nice and talked, and he walked up, I would've flipped and I didn't want me phasing next to you. I've seen what it can do.

So I brushed you off and went on with my day, but it didn't last for long. When I saw you on the beach with Sara, my knees buckled. You were finally alone by yourself, without his craziness to bother us with talking. And then Sara went off with Embry and it was just perfect. I went to your window and asked you to sit with me by the fire.

When you cuddled up next to me, close and personal, I could literally feel my heart rebuilding itself little by little. Letting me know you really do love me, even if you love him more. And then Sara whispered something in your ear that made you giggle, and all my worry about Dimitri washed away with that beautiful sound.

You were smiling and laughing and giggling, thanks to ME. Finally, because of me. And it couldn't have been better than it was right then. But I was wrong.

You came home with me that night and somehow, between the cuddling and all the laughing, we kissed. My lips still tingle when I think about it. Kisses turned into touches and touches turned into feelings and next thing I know were making love on my bed.

I will never forget that day. The only thing I regret was that it wasn't my first time. But it was the most incredible first time with you. Its something that will always be engraved in my brain for years.

I was on such a high when I woke up I knew there was nothing that could bring me down. But then I remembered HIM, and I realized you wouldn't leave him for me. Of course not. Why was I so stupid? You even said, "I just love him more…"

I don't know how many times a heart can break but there should be a limit don't you think? I line that you shouldn't cross, that if you do 'over the edge' would be an understatement for how you feel? But no matter, you didn't count how many times you hurt me. You just did.

But I knew even you couldn't take away the fact that we felt something that night. Didn't you?! You felt it right?!? You KNOW you love me!

But you still left and I knew he'd be there. So I sneaked to your house and I watched your window, hidden behind the shadows on your tree. And when you told him the truth he was so hurt he didn't notice my smell.

And then he kissed you. That hungry possessive thing you seem to like but I knew it was a move of claim. All he wanted was to make sure I knew you were his. So maybe he did notice I was there.

Do you know he only had sex with you to show me up? Do you know that's why he kept muttering mine over and over again?

Im sorry to break it to you this way. You should believe he loves you. I think he think he does. But I think that its more showing me up than anything.

But that's maybe that's just my heart talking.

Just learn to know things. For me?

With Love,

Jacob Black

P.S. I loved you first.

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**SO?!?!? DO YOU LIKE IT?!? You better tell me it's the best thing you've ever read Shelby. Jk lol. As for the rest of you I hope you enjoyed it as well. I know its kind of hard to follow especially if you don't know the background story but I tried to make it understandable. Please let me know if I should change some things or just your opinion.**

**Xoxo, Sara.**


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